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Good morning, B!
Yes, I’ve heard. T told us. Don’t blame him. I think he needed to share his feelings, too. Feeling helpless is horrible. No matter the circumstances.
“You’re imagining things!”
Isn’t that a stupid thing to say to someone who has to face bullies? And then it comes from those people who have probably never had any issues with bullies in their lives! So they won’t know what it is like, anyway!
They’re wrong, on so many levels that I can’t even count to there, but then that is also the problem. Their wrongness.
See, the root of the problem is that you’re not imagining enough! You’re seeing what’s in front of you, and not what can be. And before you close this letter and block me forever, let me explain what I mean by that.
When you and T started your online journey, you were probably told to “imagine the perfect viewer/reader”. You built your whole approach around that “perfect person,” before you even started filming your first episode! It worked, by the way. You found ME!
Now, I am going to tell you to “imagine your ideal bully”. If you were to build a bully for a story that you are writing, what would that character be like? Remember that you ARE – in fact – writing your own life story, so this would be a fitting exercise.
I can get you started…
Firstly, I am going to make the bully female. Just because I can.
She was a cheerleader at school, one of the beautiful people, probably dating the captain of the first team. She had all the latest makeup and music and got a brand new car after she passed her driver’s license test on the 31st attempt. She was the type who stopped you from doing PE (or whatever exercise class was called!) because she made your life hell in the changing room.
OK, that was then.
Now? (Think 20-year class reunion…)
She’s a waitress at a coffee shop/diner/fast food place in your hometown because she got pregnant in her last year of school. That captain of the first team left town as soon as he heard because he didn’t want to face the responsibility (I hear he is selling used cars, now!).
Her parents got tired of her sitting at home and feeling sorry for herself, so they told her to get her own place and a job. As soon as she left, they changed the locks.
She’s been working at that place ever since, never getting time off or having enough money to spend on things that make her happy. Her skin looks terrible from all the unhealthy food choices that she has made over the years, or is it the heavy drinking on pay weekends? Don’t know. She wears clothes from years ago, that she bought at a second-hand store. You know which one. The store that she made fun of when she was at school, where all the “losers” got their clothes from. Every part of her that can sag, does!
She’s never left the country, or her county, or even the town! Her life revolves around her bratty kid, or it did before the welfare woman took him away. Now she has no one.
She doesn’t have friends. Even her colleagues don’t want to mix with her after hours, because she carries a dark aura with her everywhere she goes, and they don’t want to catch it. She doesn’t even have a cat to talk to! She tells everyone that she doesn’t like them, but we all know cats are picky about who they associate with.
Then she found you online…
You have everything she doesn’t. A great life, a fantastic partner, a beautiful body, enough spending money, and on top of that, you’ve seen the world! Oh. And you have TWO cats, FOUR goats, and lots of chickens! And a thriving vegetable garden that you eat from, regularly. You have a big online presence with lots of fans and friends and adopted family and people want to know what you are up to because they want to follow you.
But unfortunately, you are still the same person inside that she knew at school, so she found the right buttons and pressed them! She repeatedly shoots her poison into you, hoping to feel better when she doesn’t have to compete with you anymore.
And – sadly – she has almost succeeded.
Once you have built her up in your mind so vividly that you can almost smell her cheap perfume, take a good look at that person. Yes, you can be angry at them for what you had to go through by their hand, but I would imagine that they make a really sorry picture, all told. And they are stuck where they are. And you can leave.
I am now going to tell you what you need to hear. Control your online exposure! Especially on lifestyle media such as Instagram. That place is like a high school changeroom. You don’t want to be there! It’s like the tabloids, and whoever puts themselves out on there, faces the risk of having to take some heavy hits. Yes, you have followers and yes, you may even get some income from there, but – bluntly – is it worth your life? If not, get out!!!
YouTube is a different matter. It’s your bread, butter, and jam, so no easy solutions. But I am sure that you and T will sort something out between yourself and a good mental health counselor. We will all miss seeing you online, though, but you have always been a good support to T. I know he is extremely grateful!
There are so many of us who tune in to your adventures every single week. We laugh with you, cry with you, and even get angry at the unfairness of life along with you and T. I, especially, take lots of notes, mental and otherwise, because I want to pick up my life where I am and move to Central Portugal, too! And yes, I want to live in a van/RV for a while and see the world before I do. I am not jealous. I see myself in what you are doing, and I learn from you and I admire the way in which you and T work together as a well-oiled machine, even when things go really, really wrong!
Don’t give up, B! Make your videos and play with your goats and chickens and garden, as they definitely seem to cheer you up. But also find something to do that’s just for YOU, even if it’s joining a knitting circle in the nearest village! Being around other people will help, too!
I love you.
Author’s note:
B is the female half of a partnership that I subscribe to on YouTube. Her partner, T, told us this week that B was in an extremely bad state of mind – to the point of having attempted suicide – because of some really nasty comments that she had received on one of her social media accounts. Those people have never even met her, but they are happy to make her life hell. How sick and twisted can someone be? This post is what I would have said to B if I were with her right now. I hope she gets to read this, somehow, and know that someone cares.
