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Many years ago, I read The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. It was about Anybody who had a dream that absolutely compelled him to take action, but the moment he took action, almost everyone that he knew tried to dissuade him from it. And the person that tried the hardest was his mom!
That part of the story hit me again this past weekend, when I mentioned to my folks that I am really, really bored and frustrated with my job, and not looking forward to returning to work at all! Once again, I was told to “be grateful that I have a job” and just “suck it up”. That actually hurt!
Needless to say, I don’t think I shall share my Grand Plans with the Parentals any time soon. If they happen to come across this blog and want to know more, I’ll fill them in, but until then, I’ll keep myself unstressed by keeping them in the dark.
Having a really vivid dream for your life tastes bittersweet. On the one hand, it motivates you and keeps you going and sober and from jumping off something high, but on the other hand, it can also cause intolerable pain. You lose many people along the way because they simply don’t see where you’re coming from and where you’re heading to. But – between me and you – I would rather have that pain than the pain of giving up or of the regret that I did not at least attempt it!
I understand two things about this dream of mine of starting afresh in Europe: it’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to be cheap. I don’t underestimate either the effort or the financial outlay involved. And it’s a matter of balance – the less effort that I want to put in, the more I would have to pay, and vice versa.
At the moment, I am back to looking for really inexpensive stone ruins to patch up. I don’t want to burden myself with any kind of debt in a new-to-me country, even if that debt isn’t much, because I can’t guarantee that I’ll have a consistent monthly income. I’d rather pay a little for a stone cottage with a big piece of land than more for a big stone house on a postage stamp. After all, I plan to farm, right?
Does this scare me? Of course, it does! I’d be an idiot if it didn’t. But on the other hand, if I let that fear and the weight of other people’s opinions (no matter how much they care about me!) hold me back, I’ll always regret not doing what I feel driven to do.
Nothing here is impulsive. I think that I have weighed up all the pros and cons well and while I acknowledge that the grass is probably only greener on that side because there is more sh*t on the ground, I can’t see myself working and staying where I am now forever. I need challenges and new skills and experiences, or else my soul will shrivel up and die. And that’s what I don’t think my parents can see. They are too close and too involved and they have ideas and values from 40 years ago that aren’t valid anymore. And they don’t understand that discrimination and politics in the workplace are very, very real. I feel it on a daily basis. And it does not feel good.
