After many years, I have finally picked up the courage to see a mental health professional. Frankly, I would not have done it if not for something that someone mentioned about their “psychiatric benefits” on their medical aid being depleted. (Their daughter has all kinds of issues!)
Then I realized that not only did I have Psychiatric benefits as part of my own medical insurance plan, but that I have sorely neglected my mental health over the past 20 years. In fact, I have not only “toughed it out” on my own, but there is a lot of stress and abuse that I have never dealt with properly.
When I went to see Janine, I had initially thought I was merely burnt out, but after ticking almost every box on her little questionnaire, she informed me that not only was I not burnt out, but that I was severely depressed and that my depression had actually developed into a condition known as Dysthymia because it was never properly identified and treated.
This scared me. Frankly, I have been living in this grey fog for so many years, that I have forgotten that I was in it. Yes, I contemplated suicide once or twice, but that’s not really my style, so it never went beyond the point of “think about”. But that was just me having a bad day, wasn’t it? I couldn’t be depressed. Depression is for other people. Yeah, right!
And then she asked me a terrible question: What would a “happy me” look like? It’s terrible because I didn’t know. I still don’t. I can’t remember being truly happy. Satisfied, yes, but happy? So, eventually, I settled for “in a good space”.
I am doing this as homework. And I am doing it publicly. Because some things need oxygen.
A much more positive me:
- Would be reading. A lot! Everything! But especially stories.
- Would be spending time on creative hobbies, ranging from embroidery to carpentry, with some soapmaking thrown in between.
- Would be writing and journaling daily, because it’s fun!
- Would be taking care of herself properly. Hair, makeup, skincare, etc.
- Would be cooking and baking interesting dishes from all over the world.
- Would be gaining slim! For her own benefit!
- Would be learning new skills because she wants to and needs to, not to prove a point!
- Would be actively pursuing bucket list goals because they are important to her, not to anyone else.
- Would be flying solo, because she can.
- Would take time for herself to simply enjoy life: travels, beauty treatments, etc.
- Would probably resign from her job, because while it gives her money, it doesn’t make her happy. At all!
- Would be moving away from Rustenburg, to get some distance from bad memories and toxic people and heal properly.
It’s a terrible thing to be so unhappy that you can’t even SEE happy, but let’s see how many of these items I can GENUINELY tick off by then end of 2023.